I am completely unsettled in my heart right now. I’ll tell you why…
At the beginning of the summer I decided not to date for a while. In my mind, it was more of a summer decision that served the purpose of rearranging some attitudes I had about relationships. I believe I covered some of those attitudes in a previous blog. Anyway, since the beginning of summer I have heard three sermon series by three different churches about love and marriage. I have read through Song of Songs three separate times. I have watched seven people I know get married, three people get engaged, one person get unengaged (still dating the guy), and two people break off serious relationships. I am officially confused with love! So confused that I am sick of hearing about it. My confusion, I think, arises from the experience of being crazy in love to the point of thinking it was going to end up in marriage, breaking up, being dragged along for a few years, finally being happy with who I am again, dating some, breaking up again, and realizing that right now I am more lonely than I have ever been. I am smack in the middle of the third marriage series and I resent the topic. I wonder, how can the thing I want most right now be the thing I hate most right now? My cynicism overtakes most of the faith I have in love. I feel like time has only revealed that some relationships make it and some don’t. I’m watching and waiting for someone to either get married or be heart broken. I’ve heard the first of the two makes all the crap worth it, but what about the others? What about the ones who don’t feel like they deserved to have their hearts broken? I do not claim to be innocent of hurting people in the past. In fact, I hate that I have. I know that heartache was the result, but know it would have been worse had the relationships gone on. The point is, I am frustrated to the core over this love issue.
As emotional as I am when it comes to this, I am aware of how every relationship decision has changed things for me. For example, had I stayed with my high school sweetheart, I would have quit nursing school (neither one of us had any money) and would probably have ended up in a frustrating marriage. Had I stayed with relationship number two, I would have never gone to Oklahoma for school and met some of the greatest people in the world, or figured out who I was. In some way or another, with every relationship I have attempted, I have felt held back or unsettled. I feel like somewhere along the road I locked my heart up and have not let anyone in since. I have more recently thought that when I meet the man I am supposed to be in love with, genuinely in love with, I will not hold back any part of my heart. The waiting for this guy is driving me crazy! Not just for the sake of being in a relationship, or getting married, but because it has been years since that part of my heart was truly happy. I have heard it all…”You aren’t trusting God with this”, “You are too worried about this”, “Oh, it will happen for you someday.” I am sick of it! All of it. My relationship with God is better than ever. I am about to graduate nursing school, I have a great career ahead of me! I trust God or I wouldn’t have let go of every plan I made to get to where I am now! I know he has great plans for me because he has told me so. My frustration is in this time where love seems unreliable, temporary, or all about a wedding ceremony!
Like I said, I am so unsettled with this. I am sure it is obvious. I guess the point of this blog is to get these words and thoughts out of my head. Maybe then I will have some peace.
