I am ready for this chapter to end. In two weeks I will start my sixth year of college. Yes. Six years of feeling in “transition”. Six beautiful years of change and growth and pain-staking challenges. I am getting tired of feeling unsettled and in between. I am restless because I am ready to move on-move from transition to steady-from ambiguous to specific. I am ready to know the things I want to know and have what I have been working toward for so long. This is the longest chapter.
I feel like I keep hitting walls. How do I bust through them? Is all the crud I have experienced in vain? I think deep down I know it isn’t. Right now though, I just want to know what is going to make it worth it all. Ahh! I am so frustrated! I hate this feeling of, “Well, maybe I’ll just go to bed and tomorrow when I wake up a lightning bolt of revelation from God will strike me and convince me this is all for a reason.” I am generally a very happy person. I don’t want to think these negative things.
People tell me all the time I am really hard on myself. I guess I just want God to notice that I care about what He wants for me, and have tried my very best to be obedient to Him. Especially, this summer. How is it that I get so lonely? Even in crowds. There can be a room full of people and I feel alone. I am trying not to get cynical, especially in the area of relationships. I am trying to believe in them, but that part of life just isn’t in the cards for me right now. I am anxious, but not for reasons I used to be. Not just to date, but to have a solid person, someone genuinely interested in who I am and where I am going to walk through normal life with me. Someone who cares about me, and who I care about and desire to give my heart to without holding back. Call it lovesick. Call it whatever.
Anyway, back to the point. I am ready to turn the page.
